starting and stopping and starting and stopping…

The world has become so strange to me. Or perhaps I have become strange. I don’t know. Anyway, I keep coming here to write and I start. I write something and then it is not quite right. So I stop. Then I start again. Aaand then I stop again. This has been going on for awhile. I decided I can just say I don’t know what to say. Do I address the craziness in the world? Do I discuss the day to day in my life? The presidential election? Turkey? Pakistan? France? Africa? Boko Harum?
In my head all of this is connected. Prying it apart into small, understandable paragraphs, that turn into more paragraphs…Everything needs backstory and explanation. I feel somewhat paralyzed about where to start and where to stop so I keep doing both.
My day to day life has become very, very busy. Gardening, home improvements, son home from school for the summer, and traveling. I begin student teaching in the fall. Regular money coming in will be nice for me and for my family. My husband has a good job, but I hate not having a job or my own money…
Tamir Rice…yes still on my mind and so many others. He is/was the same age as my son. I think about his mom a lot…. My heart feels like it is always breaking for someone’s unnecessary loss. I wonder what I can do to help. I mean I know what to do to help change things in the world, but how does one ease the pain of a mother who watched her child die? I don’t know that it is even possible,…
Heavy sigh.
My life is good. I am loved. I have excellent friends. I love many people and I am an excellent friend.
Texas is making me crazy I think. This place is not for the weak. So many people tell me I am strong. I am not sure I am strong enough for this kind of crazy. I worry all the time about shit I never even thought of before. Perhaps this is good…but mostly it is crazy making. The thing about free floating anxiety (which I have) is that it floats freely and really doesn’t give any warning about what is going to trigger it.
see? so stream of consciousness. And still so filtered! I am going to post this time though because, really, it’s been a long time. I have written long things and short things- then I hit the delete button.
I wonder if there is still even an interest in a temple here in Central Texas…
I know there is a need, particularly for our elders. But I cannot do it alone. The meetups, now help at Ihop, have been unattended for the last three months by anyone but me and my friend that comes with me. That is disheartening. And a big fat waste of my time. So that is the totality of my bitching session… And of this post.